Several dreams, by way of introduction

05-09-04
I am with J. at some sort of carnival. We get our faces painted like bears. Later we are dancing, then kissing, and I am telling her all about the jazz that is playing ...

05-16-04
A very talented writer in a college writing course fakes his own death (suicide?) I’m not sure why, but it is to make some kind of point against enemies/authorities. The teacher talks about how talented he was, especially as a science writer and speaker. Some of his friends help, but its unclear whether they know what they’re doing it for – cars are switched, etc while being followed by police. After he reveals himself (the next day?) people are very joyful – one girl hugs him tearfully and he apologizes emotionally for not letting her know – she says he had to do it that way, people had to think it was real to make it convincing – he says “Yes, but this is you …” She tells him that his caring for people like that will be the cause of his undoing – he says that someone else, an enemy, recently told him the same thing –

-- the story seems to have expanded, until it covers years a famous person (musician, writer, athlete?) who fakes his own death to escape enemies and remains hidden for years – there is an aggressive investigation but it isn’t possible to tell who is involved – some people working with the investigators are (were) his friends and may have been involved – at this point it seems he was in the military when he “died”/disappeared and a very gung-ho military prosecutor leads the investigation – most of the people working with him were the hero’s friends so the investigation is hampered – a murder occurred that helped him cover his tracks, but it took place after he is known to have been gone, so somebody else must have done it to protect him – somehow the setting is both military and baseball (both WWII era and present) The prosecutor is looking for people who were involved, friends and teammates of the man who disappeared – he says Ichiro was up to his neck in it and threatens to indict him – one of the men who is working with the prosecutor but is totally sympathetic to the hero runs around telling everyone that the prosecutor wants to indict Ichiro – he says that the prosecutor will be run out of the country, two countries. “It’s like indicting Babe Ruth.” -- he makes certain to tell the reporters who are waiting in the hall outside – two “friendlies” who are working with the investigation are looking into a box of “evidence” to see “who else is indictable” – the boxy contains doughnuts and Danishes – the prosecutor grabs one and throws it to a man coming in, someone important arriving for some kind of party – one of the “friendlies” says sarcastically, “better eat it now before he’s indicted, (meaning whatever suspect the Danish represents), once he’s indicted it’s a sin” his partner adds, “and we’re not sinners, we’re absolved” (this has to do with being “inside” i.e. being catholic, republican, upper class, etc. and therefore being protected by the law). And older woman, chubby, possibly a well known amorous actress (like Mae West) hears the sinner comment and squeezes them both flirtatiously on the butt. One of them tells her “if you’re still with the USO, that squeeze is the most valuable thing I’ve received from the government this year … (they are in the military)

06-12-04
Conversation with J.– we have been to a concert and are walking along a very wide street where the height of the buildings above us makes me dizzy. J. is wearing a very beautiful gown and I have on an expensive coat and am very conscious of the stylish way it drapes. I am telling her that I have been on more first dates in the past year than I ever have in my life, but almost no second dates. She reminds me that we had a date once before and she cancelled it, so this could almost be our second. She says, “You are pretty intense,” and then she asks my why I think I haven’t had any second dates. I say, “I plead the fifth,” but she asks again and I tell her that I’m afraid that if I answer she’ll go into hiding again, cut me off, disappear – a car going by (or a plane or a large bird?) stirs up a cloud of leaves and dust and snow(?)(There’s no snow anywhere else in the dream) – and for a moment I am turned around and can’t find her. Then she tags me and says “Your turn to run,” and chases me into a large, indoor garden court on the bottom floor of one of the buildings. I imagine myself starting several times, as if I’m practicing a speech, still working on the wording. She’s taking notes like a Toastmasters evaluator. I start off almost angry, “Tell me that you don’t feel anything, tell me that you do feel something and you’re scared, tell me you’re scared and you want to try it anyway.” She starts to respond and I stop her, telling her that she’s only supposed to evaluate the delivery, not the content. I tell her that I liked all the women I dated, that they were all great, smart, fun – but they all had the same flaw: “They aren’t you…”