On the Day of My Show, afternoon

To say that I am anxious today is putting things very mildly indeed.
 
I ended up not working today, even though I took the bus all the way across town to work.  My roommate and business partner Dan talked to me for a while and then suggested that I go back home and take time practicing my material and getting ready for tonight.  Oddly enough, it isn't the open mike, being on stage, that has me rattled.  I said to Dan today, "What if it's my thing in life to do great on stage, but not in real life?"  I was reading on the bus this morning about Raymond Chandler, who was racked with fear and doubt about his writing -- fear that gave his writing an edge and an energy that few mystery writers have ever been able to emulate -- and whose writing seemed to get better as his personal life disintegrated. 
 
Of course, I'm not in anything like that situation.  My personal life, my business life, and my performing life are all better now than they have ever been.  But planning this open mike tonight, I had quite a lot of ulterior motive.  The performance I have focused most on is not the one on stage, but off.  I invited J -- in fact, I almost strong-armed her into coming by directing another friend, who was looking for someone to come with, her way {see Sunday, July 11, 2004:  Comedy Show Coming Up}.  So now, of course, my interior doomsayer can tell me "She's not really coming because she wants to, but just to be nice to A.N."  Also, I got an e-mail from A.N. yesterday telling me that, yes, she and J were coming, but they both had to leave right after my set because of commitments tomorrow.  Immediately, my thoughts went to, "So I won't really get to talk to J at all -- so what's the point." 
 
I have been priming myself for weeks now to tell J very directly that I want to see her more often.  I planned to be much more affirmative than I have been.  I also planned to not shield my feelings from her, to really let her see my attraction for her.  She told me once that I didn't need to be poetic, or to always have a line from a movie ready, that just being myself, saying what I feel, and what I want, is enough.  So I was planning on taking her advice.  My thoughts now are "how many chances do I expect to get"?  I can't keep creating events to invite her to, and it is sometimes many months before we run into each other at a Toastmaster's event where we seldom have time to really talk anyway.  To say that I'm feeling discouraged would be quite an understatement.
 
I had this brilliant idea, too, about flowers.  I wanted to give J flowers (and L, a volunteer from PAWS, who I invited as a step away from being stuck on J -- I'm not even sure if L is coming now since I haven't heard from her, but that is another story entirely).  I wanted to give her flowers and it occurred to me that a great way to do that would be to give a small bouquet to all the women coming to see me tonight.  That was another thing I was feeling pressured about this morning, having time to get the flowers, make the bouquets, etc.  How do I get myself into these states?
 
I'm sure that no matter what happens tomorrow, I will have an urge to come back and edit this posting, if not remove it altogether.  This is the kind of stuff that usually goes in my journal, not my blog.  But I promise to leave it up, and to follow up. 
 
Break a leg ...